How to Forgive Someone (and Yourself): A Catholic Guide

1. What Is Forgiveness, According to the Catholic Church?

Forgiveness is the free choice to cancel a debt someone owes you, to give up your claim to revenge, and to want what is truly good for them. Jesus uses the language of debt himself. In the Our Father, Matthew writes "forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors" (Matthew 6:12), and Luke writes "forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive every one who is indebted to us" (Luke 11:4). The Catechism notes that there is "no limit or measure to this essentially divine forgiveness" (CCC 2845).

Forgiveness happens in the will. Feelings come later, sometimes much later. The Catechism says it straight: "It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession" (CCC 2843). Read that sentence twice. God knows you are hurting. He asks you to hand the hurt to him and let him turn it into prayer.

Here is the hard thing, said plainly. Unforgiveness is a slow poison you drink every day. It keeps the person who hurt you living rent-free in your head, it hardens your heart toward God, and it blocks the mercy you yourself need. The Catechism calls this "daunting": the Father's mercy "cannot penetrate our hearts as long as we have not forgiven those who have trespassed against us" (CCC 2840). You cannot hold a grudge in one hand and receive mercy in the other.

And here is the mercy. You do not have to manufacture forgiveness by willpower. The Catechism admits that this requirement "is impossible for man. But 'with God all things are possible'" (CCC 2841). Forgiveness is something you ask for and receive before it is something you give.

2. Why Does Jesus Make Forgiveness Non-Negotiable?

Jesus makes forgiveness non-negotiable because the forgiven must become forgivers. He tells the story himself in Matthew 18:21-35. Peter asks how often he must forgive a brother: "As many as seven times?" Jesus answers, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:22, RSV). Some translations read "seventy-seven times." Either way the point is the same: stop counting.

Then Jesus tells the parable of the unforgiving servant. A king forgives a servant a debt of ten thousand talents, a sum so large the servant could never repay it in a hundred lifetimes. That same servant walks out, finds a fellow servant who owes him a hundred denarii, a few months' wages, grabs him by the throat and has him thrown into prison. When the king hears, he calls the first servant "wicked" and hands him over to the jailers. Jesus ends with the sentence that should keep every grudge-holder awake at night: "So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart" (Matthew 18:35).

Look at the numbers in the parable. What you owe God is the ten thousand talents. What anyone owes you, even after real and terrible harm, is weighed against that. Jesus does not shrink the hundred denarii. Real debts are real. He sets them next to the mercy you have already received and asks: will you be the man who was forgiven everything and still has his hands around his brother's throat?

No one knows the day or the hour (Mark 13:32). If you died tonight, would you want to face God still clutching that grudge? Settle it with him today. Jesus himself showed the way from the Cross: "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). St Stephen did the same as the stones fell: "Lord, do not hold this sin against them" (Acts 7:60).

3. Is Forgiveness the Same as Reconciliation or Trust?

Forgiveness, reconciliation and trust are three different things, and confusing them keeps many people stuck. Forgiveness is one-sided: you can do it alone, today, even if the other person never apologises, has died, or would laugh at you. Reconciliation takes two: it needs the offender to own what they did and to change. Trust is rebuilt slowly, by behaviour, over time, and it is earned.

Jesus himself links reconciliation to repentance: "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him; and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, and says, 'I repent,' you must forgive him" (Luke 17:3-4). Matthew 18:15-17 lays out a whole process for confronting someone who has wronged you, first privately, then with witnesses, then before the Church. Christian forgiveness was never a doormat policy.

Think of Joseph and his brothers. They sold him into slavery. Years later, as a ruler of Egypt, he tested them before revealing himself, to see whether they had changed (Genesis 42 to 44). Only when Judah offered himself in place of Benjamin did Joseph weep and embrace them. And he could say, "As for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good" (Genesis 50:20). Joseph forgave, he tested, and then he reconciled. That order is wise.

So if someone tells you "If you really forgave me you would trust me again," they are wrong. You can say, kindly and firmly: "I have forgiven you. Trust is going to take time, and it depends on what you do next."

4. Do I Have to Stay With Someone Who Hurt Me?

No. Forgiveness never requires a victim of abuse to stay in danger, to keep quiet, or to return to the person who hurt them. Say this to yourself as many times as you need to: God does not ask you to be harmed again in the name of forgiveness. Anyone who uses Jesus' words to pressure you back into an abusive home, workplace or parish situation is misusing the Gospel.

The Church's own teaching leaves room for justice and protection. The Catechism praises imposing restitution "to correct vices and maintain justice" (CCC 2302), and legitimate defense can be "a grave duty for one who is responsible for the lives of others" (CCC 2265). Forgiving an abuser can go together with leaving, reporting to the police, seeking a protective order, telling the diocese, and keeping your children far away. Married people in danger may separate: the Church allows physical separation of spouses in certain cases (CCC 2383), and our guide to Catholic marriage explains separation and the annulment process in full.

For survivors of abuse, forgiveness is often the last step of healing, after safety, after telling the truth, after grief and anger have been given room. Rushing it can bury the wound alive. You may need to say, for a long season, "Lord, I am not able to forgive yet. I want to want to. Help me." That prayer is honest, and God honours it.

If the abuse happened in a church setting, report it to the civil authorities and to the diocese. Our guide to church scandals and abuse explains how. Forgiveness is between you and God. Accountability protects the next child.

5. What Forgiveness Does Not Require

Forgiveness does not require forgetting, excusing, feeling warm, or skipping justice. People refuse to forgive because they think it means one of these, and then they stay chained to the wound for decades. Let us clear the ground.

• Forgetting. The Catechism says it is "not in our power" to forget an offense (CCC 2843). Memory is a gift that protects you. Forgiveness changes what you do with the memory: you turn it into intercession instead of a weapon.
• Saying it was fine. Forgiveness names the wrong as wrong. You cannot forgive something you pretend never happened. Calling it a sin is the first step of forgiving it.
• Warm feelings. You can forgive with your teeth clenched. The decision comes first. Feelings follow, often months or years later.
• Dropping consequences. A forgiven thief can still be required to pay back what he stole. A forgiven abuser can still go to prison. Justice and mercy belong together.
• Telling the person. Sometimes it is wise to say "I forgive you." Sometimes it is unsafe or would be heard as an accusation. Forgiveness can be done entirely between you and God.
• Doing it once. Big wounds are forgiven in layers. You may forgive the same thing every morning for a year. That is seventy times seven.

St Paul draws the line between justice and revenge clearly: "Repay no one evil for evil... never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God; for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord'" (Romans 12:17-19). You hand the case to the only Judge who sees everything. That is freedom.

6. How to Forgive Someone: Seven Steps You Can Start Today

You forgive someone by making a decision before God, naming the debt, releasing it out loud, and then repeating that release every time the hurt returns. Here is a plan you can begin tonight.

1. Get safe first. If the person is still hurting you, deal with safety before anything else (see the section above).
2. Name the debt. Write down exactly what they took from you: your trust, your childhood, your money, your marriage, your reputation, years of peace. Be specific. You cannot cancel a debt you will not look at.
3. Feel it before God. Pray the honest Psalms. Psalm 55 was written by a man betrayed by a close friend: "It is not an enemy who taunts me... But it is you, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend" (Psalm 55:12-13). Tell God how angry you are. If your anger is aimed at him, our guide on being angry at God will help.
4. Decide, out loud. Say: "In the name of Jesus, I choose to forgive (name) for (the specific harm). I release the debt. I give up my right to revenge. I hand them to you, Lord, the just Judge." Say it even if you feel nothing.
5. Pray for them by name. This is the step that changes the heart. "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44). Each time the memory comes, turn it into one sentence of prayer for them (CCC 2843). It will feel false at first. Pray anyway.
6. Go to confession. Confess any hatred, revenge fantasies, gossip or bitterness you have nursed. Receiving mercy softens you to give it. Our step-by-step guide to confession walks you through it.
7. Repeat, and decide about the relationship separately. When the anger rises again, repeat step 4. Then, calmly, decide wisely what reconciliation and trust should look like, if any, using the section above.

Forgiving takes more than one night. Do not walk it alone. Pro gives you audio-guided prayer sessions for healing to replay every time the memory hits, counselling sessions with a qualified therapist for the wounds that run deep, and a circle of believers to pray with. Get Pro for $49, once, lifetime access, 30-day money-back guarantee. Start step 4 tonight.

7. What If the Anger Comes Back After I Forgave?

Anger coming back is normal, and your forgiveness still stands. The wound is deep and you are human. The Catechism describes forgiveness as a process in which the heart "purifies the memory" over time (CCC 2843). Purifying is something that happens again and again.

Think of it like this. The first act of forgiveness is the decision to cancel the debt. After that, every time the memory surfaces, you face a smaller choice: will I pick the debt back up, or leave it with God? Each time you leave it, the grip loosens. Many people find that a wound that flared daily now flares monthly, and then only on anniversaries. That is progress, and it is grace at work.

Watch for three traps:

• Rehearsing. Replaying the argument in your head, writing the speech you will never give. Stop the tape, say "Jesus, I gave this to you," and do something physical.
• Recruiting. Telling the story to everyone so they will take your side. That slides into detraction. Our guide on gossip and detraction explains the line.
• Revenge in small doses. Coldness, sarcasm, withholding. These are ways of collecting the debt you said you cancelled.

If anger has become a daily fire in your home, read our full guide to overcoming anger. If the hurt has turned into a sense that nothing will ever change and life is not worth living, please read finding hope in despair and reach out to someone today.

8. How Does the Our Father Teach Forgiveness?

The Our Father teaches forgiveness by tying the mercy we ask for to the mercy we give, joined by the single word "as." The Catechism calls this petition "astonishing" because "our petition will not be heard unless we have first met a strict requirement" (CCC 2838). Every time you pray "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us," you are asking God to treat you the way you treat others.

The Catechism's commentary on this line (CCC 2838 to 2845) is some of the most searching teaching in the whole book. A few lines to carry with you:

• "Love, like the Body of Christ, is indivisible; we cannot love the God we cannot see if we do not love the brother or sister we do see" (CCC 2840).
• This is "the only one" of the petitions "to which the Lord returns and which he develops explicitly in the Sermon on the Mount" (CCC 2841).
• We cannot copy God's mercy from the outside. It takes "a vital participation, coming from the depths of the heart," which only the Holy Spirit makes possible (CCC 2842).
• "Forgiveness also bears witness that, in our world, love is stronger than sin" (CCC 2844).

Do this every day for thirty days and watch what God does. If you want to go deeper into the whole prayer, our guide to how to pray walks through each line of the Our Father.

9. How Do I Forgive Myself After Confession?

You "forgive yourself" by believing God when he says you are forgiven, and refusing to re-try a case he has already closed. Strictly speaking, sin is an offence against God, so only God can forgive it. When Catholics say they cannot forgive themselves, they usually mean they cannot accept the mercy they have already received. That refusal can look like humility. It is actually a quiet form of pride that says my standard is higher than God's.

If you have made a sincere confession and received absolution, your sins are gone. The priest speaks Christ's words: "I absolve you from your sins." The Catechism says this sacrament restores us to God's grace and "is usually followed by peace and serenity of conscience with strong spiritual consolation" (CCC 1468). Scripture is lavish about it: "As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us" (Psalm 103:12). "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow" (Isaiah 1:18).

Practical steps when guilt will not leave

1. Do not confess the same forgiven sin again and again. Once absolved, it is gone. Repeating it out of anxiety feeds the anxiety.
2. Say the truth out loud. "I confessed this. Christ absolved me. I am forgiven." Say it every time the accusation returns.
3. Make amends where you can. Return what you took, apologise where it is safe and kind, and do your penance. Repair heals guilt in a way brooding never will.
4. Turn shame into gratitude. Peter denied Jesus three times. Jesus did not make him grovel. He asked three times, "Do you love me?" and gave him work to do (John 21:15-17). Let your past make you more merciful to others.
5. Watch for scrupulosity. If you live with constant fear that your confessions do not count, or you confess the same thing over and over, read our guide to scrupulosity and tell a regular confessor.

Certain sins leave especially heavy guilt. After an abortion, the Church offers dedicated healing ministries such as Project Rachel and Rachel's Vineyard, and our guide to abortion speaks to that grief with mercy. If guilt has turned into hopelessness or thoughts of ending your life, please call or text 988 in the US, Samaritans 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or Lifeline 13 11 14 in Australia, today.

10. How Do I Ask Someone to Forgive Me?

You ask forgiveness by naming what you did without excuses, owning its effect on the other person, offering to repair it, and then leaving them free to respond. Jesus puts reconciliation ahead of worship: "if you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother" (Matthew 5:23-24).

A good apology has four parts:

1. Name it. "I lied to you about the money."
2. Own the harm. "That made you feel foolish and it cost us our savings."
3. Offer repair. "I want to pay it back. Here is my plan."
4. Ask, and wait. "Will you forgive me?" Then accept their answer, including "not yet."

Cut the word "but" out of every apology. "I am sorry, but you also..." cancels the apology. If they have their own wrongs to own, that is their conversation with God. Yours is to clean your side of the street. If they refuse, you have done your part. St Paul's words cover you: "If possible, so far as it depends upon you, live peaceably with all" (Romans 12:18).

11. What Do Other Christians Teach About Forgiveness?

All Christians teach that believers must forgive because God has forgiven them in Christ, and they share the same core texts: the Our Father, Matthew 18, and "forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32). The differences are mostly about emphasis.

• Catholics link forgiveness closely to the sacraments. God's forgiveness is received in Baptism and in confession, and the Our Father's "as" binds our mercy to his (CCC 2838 to 2845).
• Evangelical Protestants stress that forgiveness flows from the finished work of the Cross, received by faith. Some evangelical teachers argue that full forgiveness, in the sense of restored relationship, is conditional on the offender's repentance, pointing to Luke 17:3. Others teach that Christians should release bitterness unconditionally while waiting for repentance before reconciling. The Catholic distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation (section 3) resolves much of that debate.
• Pentecostal and charismatic Christians often speak of unforgiveness as a spiritual stronghold and pray specifically to "release" offenders. The core instinct is sound. For how the Catholic Church approaches spiritual oppression, see our guide to spiritual warfare.
• Eastern Orthodox Christians begin Great Lent with Forgiveness Sunday. At Forgiveness Vespers the faithful bow before one another, one by one, asking and granting forgiveness. It is one of the most powerful customs in Christendom, and a model any family could copy.

Whatever your tradition, Jesus' words are the same: forgive "from your heart" (Matthew 18:35).

12. Which Saints Forgave the Unforgivable?

Saints show that forgiveness is possible even for the worst wounds, because they did it with grace.

• St Maria Goretti, an eleven-year-old Italian girl, was stabbed in 1902 by a young man named Alessandro Serenelli when she resisted his assault. Before she died she said she forgave him. Years later in prison Serenelli repented, and after his release he asked her mother's forgiveness. She gave it, and the two received Communion together. He later lived out his life with Capuchin friars.
• St John Paul II was shot in St Peter's Square in 1981. He publicly forgave his attacker and in 1983 visited him in prison to speak with him privately. See St John Paul II.
• St Rita of Cascia lived with a violent husband who was later murdered. Tradition holds that she prayed for her sons to forgive his killers rather than avenge him. See St Rita.
• St Maximilian Kolbe gave his life in Auschwitz in place of a stranger and died praying in a starvation bunker. See St Maximilian Kolbe.

Corrie ten Boom, a Dutch Protestant whose family hid Jews during the Second World War, wrote about meeting a former guard from Ravensbrück, the camp where her sister died, after the war. He held out his hand. She said she felt nothing, prayed for help, and took it. Feelings followed the decision. That is how it works for most of us.

Ask these saints to pray for you by name tonight. Use our patron saint finder to find one who fits your wound.

13. When Does Forgiveness Need Extra Help?

Forgiveness needs extra help when the wound came from trauma, abuse, betrayal in marriage, or the death of someone you love, or when you have tried for months and the memory still floods you. These are signs that something needs care alongside prayer. Grace and good therapy work together.

• Trauma symptoms. Flashbacks, nightmares, panic, feeling numb or constantly on guard. These are medical and psychological realities. Talk to your doctor and a trauma-informed therapist. A Catholic therapist can help you integrate healing and faith. The directory at CatholicTherapists.com is one place to start.
• Betrayal in marriage. Infidelity shatters trust. Forgiveness and rebuilding trust can both happen, and both take time and help. Read our guide to adultery and emotional affairs, and if your marriage has ended, our guide to divorce for Catholics.
• Grief mixed with anger. Sometimes the person you cannot forgive has died, or the person who hurt you caused a death. Our guide to grief can help.
• Spiritual direction. A priest or trained spiritual director can walk with you for months. Ask your parish.

If you are feeling hopeless or thinking about harming yourself, reach out right now. In the US call or text 988. In the UK and Ireland call Samaritans on 116 123. In Australia call Lifeline on 13 11 14. Elsewhere, find a local line at findahelpline.com. Your life is precious to God.